Can you read my story?

She sat there silently looking amongst the others all in their large white suits that draped down to their ankles and disguised their true figure and identity. Their hands wore long white tight gloves that protected them from anything they may have touched. There faces where hidden and you could just see their eyes from behind the large silver protective masks that allowed them to gasp for air. The masks where connected to large silver tanks of oxygen that where on the backs of everyone on the bus the thing that allowed them to breathe, to stay alive.


She closed her eyes and remembered the days when she could go outside and breathe in the air of the earth, the days were she could wear anything, go anywhere and not have to worry about dying, the life when she had the freedom to do whatever she pleased. Its merely a memory to her in a world were life is everything.





She continued to sit their silently just like everybody else until the bus turned into the bus depot of her school she could see her friend Tasha waiting.


When are they going to find a cure? Said Tasha. “I don’t know” she said “its been three months its resistant to everything they tried” ,her voice sounding rather muddled as it came out through her mask.


“They don’t know what to do“.


“I cant stand it anymore, I cant stand living like this Tasha continued”.


“I no Tasha neither can I but its what’s best for all of us“.


The bell rang “All students to the vacuum compartment, that’s all students to the vacuum compartment, 3rd floor“. We better hurry, said Tasha they both made their way to the 3rd floor were the whole school who were all dressed in the same suits and face masks were lined up.


“ Please enter youngest first” the feminine voice over the PA announced.


Students entered the vacuum compartment in year order until the room was full to maximum capacity and Mr raven then closed the large white door. He opened a large silver box that was embedded onto the wall and from what they could see the box contained a large red button labelled RADIATE. “All students please hold onto the rails on the left hand side of your row”


Mr raven pressed the red button and then the floor began to vibrate.


Why do the have to do this? Asked Tasha.


“Dad says it kills the virus and pollution just in case its in the school and we have to go in this room so we don’t get radiated. “I no but…” Tasha stopped.


The vibration stopped.


The voice over the PA made another announcement “ All students please exit the vacuum room in an orderly fashion and make your way to form period”.


“Come on” Tasha said and they made their way to form period through the now sterilised air.





Everything in the school was now safe.


They breathed in the air.


Enjoyed the moment.


Relaxed.





When they entered form Mr Newton was already their he looked rather nervous.


Tense.


he is mormally happy and energetic.


“Sit down everybody” he said in a strong masculine voice.


The class took their seats.


Mr Newton continued as you know every morning every school in America is radiated to stop the existence of the deadly 2030 bovine flu, and everyday you have to wear this uniform to ensure you are safe. I have been asked to warn you that in Europe the swine flu of 2010 has returned and has mutated , like the bovine flu. Europe is now fighting both flu’s and has predicted that the vaccum comaprment radiator is not strong enough to kill both flu’s”.


This means that if the mutated swine flu comes into america and mixes with the bovine flu , which is more than likely school will be closed”


The class tried to hide their smile, but some students loved the fact.


‘But sir? Tasha asked if school is unsafe then everywhere else would be to would it?














HOW CAN I MAKE IT LONGER what should i write next? do you think its good? would i get good marks in enlgish?





xx thanks oh and plz dont copy:)Can you read my story?
I happen to like run-on sentences; so did Charles Dickens. There's no one style you have to conform to, so don't listen to people who tell you so.





Also, don't put your stories online! That's giving your work away for free - if you were a painter, this would be tantamount to standing on the corner handing out paintings to everyone who passes you by. Share your stories with parents and teachers until you feel it is ready to send it out to publishers.Can you read my story?
Lots of run-ons and unnecessary adjectives, especially in the beginning. Don't go too crazy with the thesaurus.


And... your grammar needs work. A lot of work. I won't get really into it because that's a lot of ground to cover in just one answer.


But look over your use of quotation marks very carefully, and compare it with a book you have lying around somewhere. That should be enough to see what you've done wrong. Easier than having someone explain it to you - the basic stuff, anyway, which is definitely what you need to work on.


Good luck :)