How does this sound? I am trying to write a novel. Here is chapter one. It's a rough draft.?

I have been trying to write a novel. This is a rough draft.





Chapter One





I sat upon the cold ceramic tile. Holding tightly to the object grasped in my left hand as fresh tears ran down my cheeks.


“Oh ****.” I thought to myself. My parents are going to kill me.


I stared in disbelief at the pregnancy test that was in my hands. Those two pink lines reminding me of my “unfortunate” condition. I was so not ready to have a child. I was only twenty-two and I was just now beginning to get used to the idea of being a college student, I would be starting my sophomore year in the fall and now this had to happen. How could I possibly be a mother?


I stood up and stared at my reflection in the mirror. My long brown hair was a tangled mess and my eyes were horribly bloodshot. It looked like I hadn’t slept in weeks. Between nightly trips to the bathroom and morning puke sessions, I hadn’t really been sleeping lately.


Walking into my tiny bedroom, I prepared for what I had to do next. Who should I call? Calling my parents was definitely not an option, at least not yet. I loved my parents dearly, however, they could be so overbearing with their zealous religious beliefs. Being pregnant and not married was a mortal sin, in their eyes.


I decided on the only logical option. I would call my best friend, Trisha. We had been inseparable as children and now in adulthood she was more like a sister than a friend. As I impatiently waited for her to answer the phone, I thought about the living being growing inside of me. I loved “her” already and I was only a few weeks pregnant.


“Hey Amanda. What’s up?” Stated Trisha in her bubbly, southern twang.


“Not much. Um…I’m pregnant.” I stated. Hearing the truth for the first time brought a fresh tear to me eye.


“Your what?”


“Pregnant.” I replied, solemnly.


“Holy ****. Amanda, what in the hell are you going to do?” She asked.


“I’m not sure yet. Heath is going freak out.”


“Yeah. Heath is so not ready to be a father. He is only concerned with partying.”


“I know.” I replied, considering how Heath was going to react to the news. Heath and I had been high school sweethearts. He was the jock, the football player. I was the nerdy yet hot cheerleader. I always thought that we were soul mates, however, recently I was beginning to doubt if we were even right for each other.


After graduation, I decided to be mature. Forgoing the workforce in order to receive an education. Heath, however, was content with working at a fast food restaurant the rest of his life. As long as Heath was able to party and drink the nights away, he was happy. Having a child was definitely going to piss him off. My reverie was broken my the shrill screams of Trisha’s southern twang ringing in my ear.


“Amanda, You still there?” She asked.


“Huh.. Yeah, I’m still here. I was thinking about Heath.”


“He really is going to be pissed that your preggers.”


“I know.” I replied.


“Hey, can I call you back later? I really need to talk to Heath.”


“Yeah sure.” Trisha said as she hung up, leaving me all alone.


I lay down on my soft feathery pillows staring at the blank white popcorn ceiling. Exhaling, I decided I couldn’t tell Heath “the news” over the phone. I would just have to drive over to his place. Heath only lived a few miles away. As I walked outside, the cool Autumn air felt excellent on my flushed face. Fall was my favorite season. I loved how the trees changed color. I got into my beat up 1995 Buick Skylark and drove in silence to Heath’s house.


I really hated my car. It was a present from my parents and I had been driving it for years now. The air conditioner didn’t work and there was a huge dent in the side where a previous owner had wrecked it. As the car squeaked and moaned to Heath’s house, I thought about telling my parents. My mom, Sara, probably would be considerate. She was pretty nice and compassionate. My father, Bill, on the flip side, was uber religious. He was raised in a Southern Baptist religion and he believed every word that was spoken in church. So it was pretty obvious that he was going to be pissed.


As I pulled into Heath’s driveway my ears were assaulted by the boom of loud music. Practically every light in the house was on. Girls were screaming and running half naked around the perimeter of the house. I instantly became enraged.


As I slammed my car door shut and practically bombarded my way through the crowds of half-naked, drunken girls, Heath’s best friend, Michael approached me. He could have been considered cute at one point in his life with his devilish looks and long blonde hair. Now, however, he looked more like a troll than human. Years of heavy partying had taken its toll on his appearance.


“Hey, Amanda.” He grimaced. “What are you doing here?”


“I need to talk to Heath.” I replied, Michael was starting to become nervous.


“Uh… He’s not here right now.” He stuttered, beads of sweat forming on hisHow does this sound? I am trying to write a novel. Here is chapter one. It's a rough draft.?
Wish I had a blue pencil. The concept is good but the syntax needs tweaking. Try a different sentence structure rather than 'noun/verb/object.' And 'What's up?' is a question not a statement.





Can't you join a club in your area? Face to face feedback would be better than this forum...if you are serious about getting published.





Good luck.How does this sound? I am trying to write a novel. Here is chapter one. It's a rough draft.?
I really like it...but some tweaking needs to be done. You have a very good idea...this seems to be more for a teen audience...keep going at it...I really want to know what happens between Amanda and Heath...