What do you think of this poem?

This freezing place


This freezing place


Of heartbreak and woe


Holds within its chilling grasp


A warm glimmer of hope





I spy an oddity, funny in its cruelty


As I reach out to touch its surface,


I observed you for the first time


Plan, yet beautiful, on the other side





Interested, I mumble you a greeting


Yet you don’t seem to hear


So I yell it again, to no avail


It seemed that we could not talk





I recall the markers in my pocket


My heart skips, and my hope renews


With a steady hand I scrawl “can you write?”


And toss the other marker over the wall





“Of course, duh” you write to me


A little put off, yet swelling with glee


I ask, “how about drawing?


And garnish it with a happy face





Your detailed, very busty picture is an obvious yes


Though not very realistic, compared to your chest


So to correct your misconception


I remind you that you lack those breasts.





Your face, though contorted with rage


Is still the cutest in this cold place


And with a flustered expression


This visual banter continues





After what must be near hours,


We stop our scribbling, and stare


I’m lost in your azure eyes


And this separation is breaking my heart





You break our visual embrace, blushing


And I place a longing palm upon the glass


Longing so badly just to be closer to you


You place your elegant hand next to mine





“It feels cold” I write eyes downcast


My heart falls as you share my depression


“I want to be with you” these simple words


Will have to suffice to explain my heart





You look up at me with the smile of love


And inscribe “you are with me”


“Only there’s a glass between us”


I can’t stand this any more





This unjust separation is the catalyst


For my blind and loving rage


This love for you inhabits my heart


And to assist it i'll tear myself apart





Your cries of shock fall upon deaf ears


My only thought is to reach you


As you scream for me to cease


I begin to crack the glass





Again and again I strike this sadistic barrier


The cracks are spreading wider


With a final desperate cry


I break through to the other side





My mangled hand spewing blood, I withdraw


Panting from the effort, I’m frozen in awe


Some time has passed, and my hand I have bandaged


As we sit once more, separated by glass





“Are you ok?” concern deep within your eyes


Holding my bandaged hand, I nod, afraid to write


“Wanna draw?”You scrawl with an eager expression


Eyes downcast, I messily write “I can’t anymore”





At that point I left, although destined to return


I walked this place for mile upon mile


Only to find, id left my heart behind


By the wall with you





I’ve stumbled back to you


Sitting there, wrapped in a coat


In front of you a box, on my side


Above it simply “for you”





I sit before you, and look at the gift


With cautious fingers I open the box


And fall back in shock


As your left hand falls from the box





“Draw with me” you write on the wall


I understand you gift now


You’ve given me your left to replace mine


So now we can draw together for the rest of time





if indeed you got to this point, i commend you, and would love to hear your opinion.What do you think of this poem?
i get the feeling i've heard something like this before. . .anyway, its a wonderful poem, i can't write poems, but yours is great! it has a good storyline and it all fits together and flows right off the tongue. you should write more, cause i think you're pretty good :)What do you think of this poem?
I think if you shortened it to about 1/5th the size that is now, you could make it really really nice. I like your choice of words, but honestly it's waaay too long, and most of it isn't really needed.





I don't really get the literal interpritation (if there is one) but metaphorically it's really nice, they're seperated by something- but each makes a sacrifice to stay close (although the first one is a failure cause he loses his writing hand... stoopid boys).





Once again, short %26amp; simple would make this a really cute piece of work IMO.





It somehow reminds me of that old 'black dress' emo song. lol.
Well, I indeed got to this point, but I don't get ';the'; point.





You are infatuated with a girl, you want her to have breast implants for your satisfaction not hers, you're hot for her but can't consummate your desire, you'll try the sympathy angle... No dice. Try once more and even though there is a glimmer of hope that she wants you around at last, I can't see it lasting for the basis of the relationship is shallow at best. Better move on: it's easier to win them over than hold on to them over time.











~

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